Starting Over on my Birthday

Today is my birthday. I have chosen to spend it surrounded by hundreds of nameless faces. Most of the next 24 hours will be spent in the sky far above those working or studying. I asked my mother today if I am where she wanted me to be at this stage in my life and she smiled that mom smile, the one worth a thousand words of wisdom. “You are happy, so yes…but…” There is always a “but” with my mother. I mean that in the best of ways, there is always something she wants to add; something more she wants to give. “I think you are very accomplished, I just wish you had more stability.” I agree; my life might lack a certain sense of stability. However it isn’t from lack of trying. I swear it’s like each time I make one of those cliché decisions that should lead to “stability”, life likes to throw marbles at my feet to see how well I dance while I regain my balance.

I like to think I am a pretty good dancer, but some days I just don’t feel like dancing. Some days I just want to sit and sometimes I wish I had someone to just sit with me. So why on my birthday have I chosen to travel to a familiar place that holds fading memories and no particular path for me to follow? Because this is how I live my life, with my heart in the clouds dreaming of being that person that can have it all. I recently quit my job after realizing that sometimes the only way you can manage to do the right thing is to walk away from a bad situation. You can’t fix everything.  I have been the responsible one. I have made the practical choices and it’s just not working for me, at least not the way I want it to. Perhaps I am not destined for stability. There is no use in reassessing. What has already happened cannot be changed.

The cloud riding heart that governs my inner child never fears jumping off the cliff once it sees the edge. Time has passed and I have changed. I have been through some personal struggles and let go of some people along the way.  Today, on my birthday, I am homeless, unemployed, alone and grateful. When my feet touch ground again, I have no idea what I am walking into, but my mother was right, I am happy. Which isn’t to say I am not nervous or scared, but none of that matters. A week from now I may be broken-hearted. A week from now I will have dusted the desert sand off my boots, perhaps they will learn to allow themselves to be led while dancing. A week from now I hope to have watched the sun rise or set over one of my favorite places in the whole world. But today, today I am grateful and today I want to believe I can start over.



4 responses to “Starting Over on my Birthday

  1. Happy Birthday, Chandler!

  2. Best of luck my dear friend!

  3. Happy Birthday, Chandler! Tried to send wishes on your Facebook page, but it doesn’t appear to still exist. Did you delete it?

    Also. Wanted to let you know that there seems to be a glitch on your blog page in the email. When I clicked on “read more of this post” I get an error message that says “page not found”. I get the same message when I click on “see all comments” and “trouble clicking?”; however, I was able to read it all by manually putting your blog page in my search window and was also able to read it by clicking the place further down on your page where it says, “URL:

    Your mom posted that all her girls would be home for Thanksgiving, so I guess you’re flying home. I must say, that is a great way to be spending your birthday, anticipating being with the people who love you most. How wonderful it will be to all be together for the holidays. Will you also be there through Christmas? Justin, Felicia, Josh and Carter are coming on Friday, and we will have Thanksgiving on Saturday at Kristin’s. Can hardly wait to hold that precious Carter.

    Chandler, you should not despair. You are having such an adventure – one that many people would envy. Every leg of your adventure is just one more experience, good and bad, to add to your life and learn. You are so gifted, not only in culinary arts, but also in writing, photography, party planning, design, decorating, dancing, etc, etc, etc. Keep exploring every avenue that comes your way.

    May you and your family have a Blessed Thanksgiving!

    Sent from my iPad


    • Hello! My facebook account is temporarily suspended. I was home and we had an early thanksgiving. I am now in Hawaii, so I will be missing Christmas. I hope your holiday season is wonderful and filled with moments that make great memories. Thanks always for the positivity. I’ll have to look into the blog glitch, thanks for the heads up. Take care and bless you!

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