Today is my birthday. I have chosen to spend it surrounded by hundreds of nameless faces. Most of the next 24 hours will be spent in the sky far above those working or studying. I asked my mother today if I am where she wanted me to be at this stage in my life and she smiled that mom smile, the one worth a thousand words of wisdom. “You are happy, so yes…but…” There is always a “but” with my mother. I mean that in the best of ways, there is always something she wants to add; something more she wants to give. “I think you are very accomplished, I just wish you had more stability.” I agree; my life might lack a certain sense of stability. However it isn’t from lack of trying. I swear it’s like each time I make one of those cliché decisions that should lead to “stability”, life likes to throw marbles at my feet to see how well I dance while I regain my balance.
I like to think I am a pretty good dancer, but some days I just don’t feel like dancing. Some days I just want to sit and sometimes I wish I had someone to just sit with me. So why on my birthday have I chosen to travel to a familiar place that holds fading memories and no particular path for me to follow? Because this is how I live my life, with my heart in the clouds dreaming of being that person that can have it all. I recently quit my job after realizing that sometimes the only way you can manage to do the right thing is to walk away from a bad situation. You can’t fix everything. I have been the responsible one. I have made the practical choices and it’s just not working for me, at least not the way I want it to. Perhaps I am not destined for stability. There is no use in reassessing. What has already happened cannot be changed.
The cloud riding heart that governs my inner child never fears jumping off the cliff once it sees the edge. Time has passed and I have changed. I have been through some personal struggles and let go of some people along the way. Today, on my birthday, I am homeless, unemployed, alone and grateful. When my feet touch ground again, I have no idea what I am walking into, but my mother was right, I am happy. Which isn’t to say I am not nervous or scared, but none of that matters. A week from now I may be broken-hearted. A week from now I will have dusted the desert sand off my boots, perhaps they will learn to allow themselves to be led while dancing. A week from now I hope to have watched the sun rise or set over one of my favorite places in the whole world. But today, today I am grateful and today I want to believe I can start over.