Do Not Wish Me Happy Birthday

If you have nothing real to say, do not wish me Happy Birthday. Let me clarify that I am not offended if we are acquaintances and not friends. I keep my friends counted. The list is very small. If you think we are friends but we are actually just associates….I am sorry you have the wrong impression. Do not take two minutes out of your day to write hopelessly insincere words in a little box to try to lead me to believe you actually care. You didn’t think of me; Facebook did. Many of you only get in touch on my birthday which is a rather selfish way of saying: “I know today is supposed to be about you, but I would like you to take time to remember me.” It’s shallow and superficial. Spare me.

Facebook is nothing if not reliable. Funny thing though. My true friends are anything but reliable. They are steadfast in being there when I need them, but most of them are too busy actually living to remember anything other than their work schedule and to feed themselves in between the duties of adulting. Please deflate your ego and un-puff your chest, I can almost hear your hurt feelings shouting “but Chandler, I care” through the world wide web. Forgive my smirk at the thought that you actually give a damn. No one knows what effort means anymore. Phone calls are a thing of the past. Hell, I bet most of you do not even know the cost of a stamp (less than ȼ50 if you were wondering)

If all you have to say is two insignificant words, keep them to yourself. If the best wishes you have for me are generic-hallmark-sounding-pinterest-worthy phrases, don’t worry I can find those at my corner drugstore without your help. I would rather you keep quiet than impose on my time with your laziness. So I don’t need your wishes, I do just fine without them every day. I appreciate your good intentions, I honestly do. However if you choose to send them my way, make them original, make them count. If you want to tell me what you think of me or tell me something you have never shared; that I always have time for…. at least if we are actually friends.

I intend to spend a few days doing things I enjoy with people I actually care for. I am going to soak in some pretty incredible landscapes while I miss home. I will eat food that causes noises to come out of my mouth in a way that makes other people uncomfortable. If I choose to go dancing, I will leave it all on the dance floor. I am going to laugh at inappropriate jokes, take a bunch of pictures, throw a few cuss words around, maybe even gamble a little and if I am lucky maybe some handsome guy will find me just good enough to kiss.

Happy Birthday to me.



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